As I look out my window, I see a big, bright yellow butterfly fluttering around. Of course I do!
Mom’s on my mind today. Of course, she’s on my mind every day but we are in the midst of the “it’s been one year since” riptide. One year since she went into the hospital, one year since she moved to skilled nursing, one year since her final six weeks.
Rather than allowing those thoughts to pull me down into the abyss, I’m trying to look at things differently. Instead, at least for today (or right now, anyway), I will focus on those things that bring me warm and lovely thoughts of my precious mom. Here are a few:
My hands. While holding her hand a year ago, we realized that my hands and fingernails are shaped just like hers. They make me think of mother-daughter manicures, golf gloves, typing, head-petting, back-patting and hand-holding.
Her wedding ring on my right hand. A circle of her undying love and commitment.
Smiles. Hers was the brightest andmost memorable smile of all – ask anyone, it’s true! Friends and family still comment today on its beauty. They say mine is like hers and that makes me happy.
My voice and my words. I don’t mean, “Oh no, I’m sounding just like my mother!” I mean, Wow, that sounded like Mom. Yesterday I saw her neighbors at the grocery store and I said, “Hi girls!” It sounded like her voice coming out of my mouth. Sometimes I ask Zack, “Did that sound like Nana to you?” He replies with a slow, “Um…maybe…?” That’s ok, I heard it. And that’s enough.
Jake and Zack. She was their Nana and when I look at them I remember her love for them and know she’d be so proud of them, now more than ever. And I think of their love and devotion to her, especially in her final days. Jake slept on the floor with me in her room, and Zack spent hours with us, quietly and patiently just “being there.”
I could go on and on and on.
Eleven months ago, people told me she would be with me forever. In my heart. It felt like empty promises, but now I know! I never imagined how true it would be or, especially, how tangible it would feel! I’m so thankful for all she was to me in my first 48 years, and for all she continues to be now and forever.